Are you someone that thinks that they are not allowed to be unhappy or sad? For many years I tryed to cover up my sadness hide my pain, my sufferance and battled through without accepting that sometimes it is hard and never shared that with anyone. I would love to tell you that as a Coach I have it all in place, but that is false and any Coach that tells you that is probably not being honest with you. I previously thought as a Coach I was supposed to have everything right, everything in place and show others how it is done so I shouldn’t share my pain. I used to believe that self realisation was to never ever again feel bad, suffer or be unhappy and get to a place where there would only be joy. How false that is; now know different and I have learnt amazing skills through my pain, and my sufferance can teach others.
The truth of life is that we do have pain and we do suffer, we can’t be happy all the time, we do have negative emotions and it can be difficult. Self realisation means finding balance in both pain and the down moments with joy and the ups and the lessons we need to learn to evolve. I idolised people that seemed to have it all together thinking they had worked it all out. I realised that was false, they were just hiding their pain. I idolised my dad for so long because I thought he had everything in place. He never showed me that he was hurting or that it was hard for him or that he might have pain. He never really showed me any of the negative emotions apart from when he shut me out and shouted at me. I thought I was the problem and in fact it was just his pain coming out; so I did the same.
We are so good at covering up our feelings or faking them. We do it at work, we do it in our relationships, even with our children because we think we should show them that is how it works, the quest for happiness. We even do it in soceity. It bugs me when people ask you Ca Va? Your immediate reaction is to say yes, but do people really care if you say no. Most of the time we don’t know what to say or how to deal with it, it’s just a pleasantry to make conversation.
Sometimes what we need is to say no I am not ok and allow someone to listen, an ear to hear and validate that it is hard, validate that it’s ok not to be ok and that life can be difficult.
“WE RISE BY LIFTING OTHERS” – Robert Ingersall
Sometimes instead of sharing our pain we do what I call dumping. Dumping is when we find one person to tell all our problems to. Getting it off our shoulders giving it all to them with no respect or consideration to whether they want to hear. We feel better, we walk away feeling liberated and free from the conversation and they feel like shit. We never even asked what was going on for them, we never even considered their needs. This often happens in relationships or couples putting pressure on the other to sort all the problems out. I was very often on the receiving end of dumping. It’s not nice and unfair and so I believe the solution is to share before dumping.
If we share we find the solutions. If we share we gain the help needed. I am strong and have courage but sometimes I just need some compassion, a quiet word to say I am doing well and that all is good. How can I receive that if I am not showing that I am in need!! There is a saying in the bible “ask and it will be given” So ask because how can you receive the help or fulfill your needs if nobody knows what they are or that you are hurting. God’s answer comes through others…. I can give myself that and the compassion I need but it is also beautiful to receive solutions from someone else because I asked. I acknowledge myself and in acknowledging my pain it begins to diminish.
Listening to someone’s pain taught me to know I wasn’t alone in my suffering, it gave me answers to my many questions and to see that we are not all doing well and that it is ok to not be doing well. I also stopped comparing myself thinking that I should have it all together and let go of protecting myself to open up.
“YESTERDAY I WAS CLEVER SO I WANTED TO CHANGE THE WORLD. TODAY I AM WISE SO I AM CHANGING MYSELF” – RUMI
I was recently at a weekend Sagesse learning how to become a wise woman!! One of my clients was there. During a discussion the teacher helped me through a fear of mine (yes I still have fears) in front of everyone. Afterwards my client came to me to say how grateful she was because she realised that I was no better than her and that even though I teach her how to overcome her fears she realised that I wasn’t oblivious to them and still had them. In her mind she had bought me down a peg to see the real me and that I was no different from her, not a coach with everything in place. She stopped idolizing me, to see that the reality is that none of us have completely gotten over our down moments and fears. I don’t want people to idolise me but that can happen when we can’t show all of ourselves, including the not so easy sides of pain and sufferance or negative emotions.
Thats the truth, what pain and negative emotions are there for, to give us a message about where we are not being ourselves to learn and become conscious of what we NEED to transform, and share that. Joy is a choice to see the reality of what’s going on, to make a decision to stop resisting and learn something. The opportunity to understand where we are not in alignment with our true selves, how we are resisting our growth, where we are not respecting our values, and where the joy is missing.
“I HEAR AND I FORGET, I SEE AND I REMEMBER, I DO AND I UNDERSTAND” – CONFUCIUS
I have learnt to hear the messages from my emotions, hear the messages from my pain, and say Yes I am hurting, yes I am in pain. I have learnt the tools and tricks to turn it around, so instead of staying sad or in pain for 3months or 3 weeks the down moments become shorter, it now becomes 3 hours or 1 hour because I make a conscious choice to let go and focus differently accept it, face it to gain more balance and emotional maturity. I function better; it clarifies what I don’t want, to clarify the direction to go without denying my sad feelings or my pain. I compare it to being at school or playing a game, when we don’t learn in school and we fail the test we have to do it again. In a computer game we only jump to the next level when we have learnt how to do it and each time we learn as we fail or die!!!. I call it life school. Transform and grow, instead of criticising and dieing or trying to be happy all the time, because that certainly is not possible. Even enlightened masters are not happy all the time they just learn their lessons quicker.
Joy of living is therefore when you are happy to evolve even through painful lessons without resisting because you know it’s for your proper evolution. You become ok with what is happening, remembering that you will be a better person for it in the end. Each time I do I gain inner courage confidence and strength and have the personal experience to guide my clients through things that I have already faced and that they may have not.
In sharing we help each other because I may have the tools in an area of your life that’s not working for you and can give empathy and support or you may have tools and skills in an area of life that I don’t, lets help each other through it. That is not about being better or worse than each other, feeling lower or below someone, being a victim. It It is understanding our uniqueness in this world and the gifts we can bring to each other.
So find out what you can bring to someone and be truthful about your pain because that is the only way that you can pass through it to see the next step. Give your pain the attention it needs so you can grow and expand to the next level of being you in your life, business or relationships.
Don’t hide away in solitude thinking you can do it alone. I tried that it doesn’t work. Sometimes you might need time on your own to understand whats the emotion, what’s going on, but other times it is going towards others in their pain and sufferance that you help yourself. Choose the right person to share with and you understand you are not alone and there is always a solution. Share because you may be bringing the solution to someone else for their pain and listen because you may be finding your answers for your own.
So maybe the next time someone asks you how you are doing tell them the truth if it’s hard or difficult and perhaps they may answer to say “What can I do for you right now that may help?” the universe is answering, thats a gift.
If you are finding it hard to work out what you need to learn from a painful situation, where you are not respecting your values, please email me on firstname.lastname@example.org and I will send you a free download “YES to healing and Acknowledging me”
Please post any comments below and share the ways you work through your pain or difficult emotions…….