I decided to do a 30 day joy challenge. To challenge myself with joy and not challenge myself through pain. Ha I thought it was going to be easy, but boy, in doing my challenge it has bought so many things out of the closet…..even literally. I have actually been cleaning them out…I have faced myself at another level and I am only just over half-way through. I am not even sure anyone’s doing it with me which was the reason I started, to share my joy…That was the first challenge, nobody cared and nobody was following me. Something I found difficult, but it helped to show me I that I am doing this for me and not for others and in fact in the end we only ever do anything for ourselves!! I have already dropped worrying about what others think.
It’s a whole new journey. I am facing my demons, my false ideas and getting into the nitty gritty of my life. Sometimes things don’t work in our relationships or our business and we want to give up. Well I have also taken that to a whole other level, giving up on life itself. I have been faced with the realisation that actually my life is not working how I need it to be (or want it to be, I want to start over.
I woke up on day 18 contemplating those thoughts, a big truth. Do I really like my life? Do I want to carry on or get out?? Yes get out of life itself, not just business. Honestly contemplating what giving up life means, giving up life completely, getting out, yes actual suicide. Then I thought about the committing to life, asking myself which one do I prefer? Which one do I want? That is not a question we often ask ourselves. It is a funny idea because I actually love what I do in my business. What was I contemplating? Starting over does not mean giving up completely. Does it?
Maybe. You see life and death I see are also a choice if we make it conscious. The choice to leave, death, or a choice to stay and commit, life. People do opt to leave life, make the choice to commit to suicide. When life is not working as they think it should be or how they envisaged or when the pain and struggle gets too difficult, they get out. Taking stock of your life is not always easy it can sometimes be the hardest thing to do, to admit you hate your life and to get out might actually be the easier option, the better option, does that mean you are giving up?
No, not necessarily, it means that you are making a choice to not keep doing what you are doing, fighting or struggling, and death is your choice, your option, to start over, not an easy option either. As a friend of mine said, the people left behind find it hard that they would choose that option and don’t often understand. He said its selfish, perhaps, but that’s often protection or a choice too. We are selfish in many areas of our life, why is suicide any different. It’s painful for those left behind.
You see I went through that once before, long ago when I actually woke up one morning and contemplated suicide. I decided it was too hard to do, I felt guilty to leave the people that I loved behind and I guess I decided to keep going. I didn’t know how I would commit suicide, and didn’t have the courage to do it either, so by default I stayed. At that time I didn’t think I had a choice. I guess not being selfish saved me!
I’ve grown up now, and I understand that I do have a choice and even life is a choice, like the song by The Clash, should I stay or should I go? I think it is perhaps more a question of how much we value life and what we have been given and whether we fear living. Are we respecting what we have been given, are we making the best of it? Perhaps if we don’t value it, we don’t commit and the fear is not death, but life. This is another moment where I face life directly, no running away, just me with me, facing myself, my challenge. How do I want to do it this time, the next 20 years? give up, leave life, or deal with the shit, commit, do it differently and enjoy the process.
I decided to do it differently, I decided to share, have the courage and commit. Speak up. Not make people wrong when they decide that life is not what they want. Allow them that option. I choose life. To commit is to take on the challenge of being happy.
I notice we also do this in relationships and in our businesses, we often give up instead of doing it differently to make a choice to let go of what is not working to find out what will. We leave we get out. Sometimes that’s not giving up when we have tried so hard, and the pain of staying is more then the pain of going, and sometimes it is if we don’t have the courage to face what is wrong.
The question now is How do I want to make a difference, and how do I do that now? To value what I have been given and respect life itself. I sat down and wrote a list of everything that was not working and why, and what I would have to drop, look at it from a different angle. Drop both emotions and feelings, ways and thoughts of being to go to another level of deepness and get rid of the mess in my life, decide to create new ones.
There is still a lot of shit left in my closets, both literally and figuratively, but I feel lighter already. I am dropping my ideas of how it “should” be, my expectations of where I “shoul d” be, and how life “should” have already been at my age. Dropping my “shoulds”, my resentments, my sadness and my thoughts that are not serving me so i can make way for new ones that are more empowering. I need to forgive myself and anyone else that made me think I “should” be doing something different. I hate that word “should”, I am writing a book about it. However now I know which “shoulds” are good for me and what I “should” be doing.
The commitment comes from my heart. I want to experience more love, more connection, more honesty, more freedom, more me. Those are what my goals are now, it is not about wanting more things but different experiences, different feelings and it feels great to want more of that. I finally allow myself to say that it is ok to want more…..
Those feelings are what creates joy in me and the people that will help me create that. Finally I have found “My joy for Life”, because I decided to commit and it clears the way for clarity and love. (clarity + Love = Joy)
I will make that change, make it work, this game called life, I now want it enough. I used to be a winner as a competitive swimmer and I have decided I am going to win again for me by being more genuine. To learn how to do it, not to prove myself but prove I can enjoy me and make the best of it, in a genuine way and learn again with more openness, more authenticity, more truth and less fighting and struggle.
I hope you will join me on this journey and if I haven’t scared you off, why not take my 30 day joy challenge and face those demons to get your life back on track and reflect, bring back the lightheartedness. Finally decide to commit to life and living and not constantly fear death….because we are all going out in the end, so let’s enjoy it before we do and make it more fun.
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(NOTE: I do not take the subject of suicide lightly and should you wish to communicate your thoughts or exchange, I would be happy to hear from you)